This transcript was generated by whisper.ai.

This is day three together of our look through the book of Philemon. We're going
to focus on verses 11 to 17 today. We began yesterday a look at how do you
appeal with wisdom?

Remember to focus on how to solve a conflict. First you want to applaud a
positive in a conversation by praying for the person, thanking God for the
person. But then you appeal with wisdom.

A, ask, don't tell. You want to make sure that you're not the person who's
coming across as someone who has all the answers. So B, be humble.

And then C, you begin to clarify the situation. First thing you do in that is
you ask what's the perspective and you give the person your perspective. But
there are actually in these verses, it's amazing what happens, what Paul does
under the inspiration of the Spirit in these verses.

There are five specific things to do to clarify a situation. This is really at
the core of what needs to happen in order for a conflict to be resolved. The
rest of those five things are in verses 11 to 17.

Let me read those verses. Paul goes on to clarify the situation. He says,
"Formerly he, Onesimus, was useless to you, but now he has become useful both to
you and to me.

I am sending him, who is my very heart, back to you. I would have liked to keep
him with me so that he could take your place in helping me while I am in chains
for the gospel. But I did not want to do anything without your consent, so that
any favor that you will do will be spontaneous and not forced.

Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was so that you
might have him back for good, no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as
a dear brother. He is very dear to me, but even dearer to you, both as a man and
as a brother in the Lord. So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you
would welcome me.

" Here's Paul clarifying the perspective, clarifying the situation. First you
clarify the perspective, and yesterday we talked about that word "son", that he
said now he has become a son, a new way of seeing things. That's the first thing
you do to begin to appeal with wisdom.

The second thing you do is you deal with the question, "What are your feelings?
" Paul says, "I am sending him, who is my very heart, back to you. " He lets him
know how he feels.

Many times when we get in a situation where we are in conflict with someone, I
know I can do this, men particularly, we can do this, we get very logical.
Feelings go out the window. The way we feel like we have to clarify the
situation is no feelings at all, maybe just number one, number two, number
three, this is the situation.

If you're going to really clarify a situation, you also got to talk about your
feelings because you have them, and the other person knows you have them. So if
you don't talk about them, they know that you're burying them, and they try to
get them out. You ever have that happen in a relationship?

Ever have that happen in your marriage? You're being very logical, and she keeps
pushing the button that gets your feelings out. Why is she doing that?

Because she knows you have them, and it has to be part of the conversation. So
what are your feelings? Now, two tips about this.

You do this without telling the other person how they should feel, you tell them
how you feel. In other words, instead of saying, "You should feel this way," you
just say, "This is how I'm feeling about it," and you don't do it in a way that
makes them feel like this is how you should feel about it. And also, second tip
is, you have the honesty to state your feelings as feelings and not as gospel
truth, realizing that your feelings, they have been, and they could this time be
wrong.

But you still, "This is my feeling. This is what I'm feeling about this. "
That's part of appealing with wisdom.

What is your perspective? What are your feelings? The third thing, to clarify
your perspective, you have to talk about is, what has changed?

You see, many times we get into conflict because you've begun to see things
differently or they've begun to see things differently. So you talk about it.
What's changed?

Paul talks about it. He says, "Formerly Onesimus was useless to you. Now he is
useful to both of us.

" And this is actually in the Greek language that the New Testament was
originally written in, this letter was written in originally, is a play on
words. Often held names like good or pleasing or profitable. They would name a
slave based on the economics of that slave, very sad thing.

The name Onesimus, you know what it means? It means useful. It means useful.

And Paul is saying, "Formerly Onesimus, he was useless to you because he didn't
know Christ even. No matter what kind of good work he did, he was useless, but
now he has begun to fulfill his name. He can live out the life that God has, the
useful life that God has for him.

Not as a slave, but now as a son, now as someone who's in relationship with God.
" Paul is saying here, and this is what you have to talk about as you resolve a
conflict, things have changed. Part of being able to clarify any situation is
the mutual understanding that with Jesus Christ anything can change.

Things really can change. It's also having the honesty to say, "This is what has
changed for me. " That's what you talk about.

One, what's your perspective? Two, what are your feelings? Three, what's
changed?

Number four, what's God's plan? What is God's plan? Now you have to be careful
here.

You don't want to be the sole purveyor of God's plan. But in humility you talk
through, "What do I see as God's plan here? " And Paul does that.

He says, "Perhaps, perhaps he was separated so that you could have him back for
good. No longer as a slave, but now as a brother, better than a slave. " Clarity
in this demands that you look at things not just from your perspective.

This is what would be good for me. Clarity means that you look at things from
God's perspective. What is God's plan for this?

What is God's plan for this conflict that you're going through right now? What's
God's plan? And then number five, what's the fifth thing you talk about?

You say what you want. What do you want? So the five things again.

What's your perspective? What are your feelings? What has changed?

What is God's plan? And number five, what do you want? And Paul says it.

He says, "Welcome him as you would welcome me. That's what I want. " Many times
when we were in a conflict, I know I do this, maybe you do too.

You talk to the other person and you try to get them to say what you want. You
don't really say it. You try to get them there.

You're like, "Well, if I say this, maybe they'll get there. If I twist it this
way, why don't you just say what you want? What I want is this.

What I want," Paul said, "is for you to welcome him as you would welcome me.
Don't beat around the bush. " Sometimes we beat around the bush and hope the
other person figures it out.

Often we show our anger and we expect the other person to figure out why. If
you'd really cared about me, you would have known what the problem was. If you
really cared about me right now, you'd know why I was angry.

What a trap to put people in. Don't play games. Your relationships are too
important for that.

You say what you want. Right now you're thinking, "I'm angry about that. " You
said to say what you want.

If they really loved me, they would know what I want. Truth of the matter is,
we're all such a complex set of emotions. I don't always know what the other
person wants.

I don't even always know what I want. But if I know it and I see it in a
relationship, I say it. Oftentimes in relationships, it's like we need a secret
decoder ring to figure others' motives and relationships out.

Instead, just say it. You say it. That's part of appealing with wisdom.

You applaud the positive. You appeal with wisdom. And then there's a third thing
that you must do to solve a conflict.

Number three, you have to appease those who have been wronged. Paul does that.
In verses 18 and 19, he says, "If he has done you any wrong or owes you
anything, charge it to me.

I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand. I will pay it back, not to mention
that you owe me your very self. " If he's done anything wrong, Paul says,
"Charge it to me.

I'll pay it back. " Paul, in a sense, in this letter, encloses his Visa card
number. He's reminding us that it's often not enough to say, "I'm sorry.

" Often restitution is needed. Maybe Onesimus, when he left, we don't know,
maybe he took something. Maybe as a thief, he stole something from Philemon.

Or maybe he was supposed to do some work and Philemon had a great financial
loss. I don't know what he's talking about here. We're not told.

But there was some financial loss, apparently, in Philemon's life. And so
restitution, that's what's happening here, restitution is required. Restitution
is required when your sin has cost another person's possessions.

Restitution is also required when your sin has cost another person's reputation.
If it's cost another person's possession, you pay it back. In fact, the Bible
indicates you should try to pay it back even more than what they lost.

If their reputation has been lost, you make it right. You go and you tell other
people what you have said that is wrong. Restitution is relational.

You're making the relationship right. It's not just financial. Finances are
involved, no doubt about it.

But the reason you're paying it back is so that the relationship can be made
right again. It's not just to balance the books, it's to write the relationship.
And because restitution is relational, it is okay to put restitution in
relational terms.

And that's what Paul does here. He says, "I'll pay it back. By the way,
remember, you owe me your very self.

" A lot of people think, "Well, that's quite a jab, Paul. " Paul had led
Philemon to Christ. So he says, "I'll pay it back.

Oh, by the way, you're going to be in eternity enjoying all the pleasures of
heaven because of me. And so because of that, I'll pay it back, but I'm
expecting you're not asking me to. " That's not what Paul is saying here.

He's saying here this is all about relationships. Restitution is not about being
fair. Life isn't fair.

Restitution is about being right, right with the other person. If you hardly
know the other person, you've got to repay the financial debt. That's all you
have.

Your whole relationship is based on that debt, so you've got to repay it if
you've wronged them financially. But if you know them very well, and there's
been some financial wrong that's happened, if there's something in you that
says, "Oh no, the debt has to be paid," or else it would be wrong somehow,
you've missed the point of restitution, it's okay for you to forgive that debt.
Now, maybe it's not right for you to.

Maybe they've had a lot of debts forgiven before, and this person this time
really does need to repay it. But Paul is saying, "I'll repay it, but you know,
it's okay not to repay it because our relationship is so close. " Here's the
point.

If you get so exact with the repayment that it causes further relational
distance, something's wrong because the purpose of restitution is to restore the
relationship. So make sure that it does that, or it hasn't done what it's needed
to do in the relationship. What do I do?

To make it right. I've got to do the things that Paul talked about, the things
he's leading us through. And the third step is to appease those who have been
wronged.

Let's take a minute to talk to Jesus about this one. Lord Jesus, if I've been
wronged, help me to let it go. Restitution may be paid, it may never be paid.

Help me to let it go and to realize I can forgive without that restitution. They
may need the restitution for their lives to make it right in their own hearts,
but for me, I can let it go. Give me that power in Christ.

You've given it to me. Help me to draw on it today. Lord, if I'm the one who's
wronged someone else, if this has stung me as I've heard about this today, help
me.

Help me to have wisdom in that relationship to do the right thing. Give me the
strength to offer restitution. And Lord, we talked also about wisdom today,
appealing with wisdom.

Help me to know how to say the right thing in this conflict that I'm facing. I
ask this in your name. Amen.

Tomorrow, as we look together at verses 20 and 21, we're going to find that the
next step is all about faith.